Remus & Harry on the 'What If's and Fate
by SweetSouthernGal
Summary: Remus and Harry seperately ponder fate. [Sometimes, I wonder if the Fates are against me :H] [The 'what if's are endless, James...They come, wave after wave, and I'm powerless to stop them...No man should ever feel so guilty :R] Written preDH, no slash.
1. Remus: What If

**AN:** I meant to post this before I left town, which was the last chance I woul have had before Deathly Hallows came out, but apparently I forgot. So, please ignore that this isn't exactly Deathly Hallows compliant. However, I think it gives a really good chance for Harry and Remus to voice their feelings on everything life has dealt them...

**Disclaimer:** Unless J.K. Rowling is being a bad AP English student and procrastinating reading her books and completing her assignments, and unless she's hoping for some reason she won't have to go to Marching Band tomorrow...I'm not her. Nor am I am any of those other people that own the rights to Harry Potter.

Get it? Got it? Good.

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I think about the 'what ifs' a lot. 

What if Padfoot was Secret Keeper?

What if I was Secret Keeper?

What if Dumbledore was Secret Keeper?

What if Padfoot and I hadn't suspected each other?

What if we had found some other way to keep you, Lily, and Harry safe all together?

The 'what if's are endless, James. They break my heart with all the desperate wishing they instill. But I can't stop. They come, wave after wave, and I'm powerless to stop them. I'm far too filled with regrets at this point in my life. No man should ever regret this much. No man should ever feel so guilty.

When Sirius came back he told me it wasn't my fault. I told him it wasn't his fault. We didn't argue with Harry when he blamed Peter, but we still hold ourselves responsible as well. It's funny, the whole thing happened because of Voldemort, but we don't particularly go pointing fingers at him. Although, I don't know, I think Harry does. But who could blame him? He's lost a lot in his short life, and it's all due to Voldemort.

I ponder the 'what if's' regarding Harry's childhood as well.

What if Sirius had been able to raise him?

What if I had been able to raise him?

Hell, what if anyone but that wicked sister of Lily's and her husband had raised him?

And, naturally, the biggest 'what if' of all is, what if _you_, _you and Lily_, had been able to raise him.

I ponder it all, and my heart breaks a little more each time. I think about how different things would have turned out for us if the seemingly little things had been different. Harry might have known love he could remember before the age of eleven. Sirius might not have spent twelve years in Azkaban for a crime he could never in his wildest dreams commit. I might not have spent twelve years friendless. And that's only the beginning of it.

I wish things had turned out differently. Not just for us, Harry and I, the only two left. But for you, Lily, Sirius, even Peter. I have to ask James, even though I know you can't answer beyond the grave…does the irony kill you? Does it not anger you to no end that this huge neon sign was right in front of our faces and we never saw it? I suppose I shouldn't be talking, I am a bloody werewolf. But as Harry said when we were talking about it, Peter changes into a rat by _will_, where as I change into a werewolf by _force_. He says that's a huge difference, and he's right of course. His comment has been some comfort to me.

Harry has been some comfort to me. He's all I have left of you, James, and of Lily, and even of Sirius. Harry may not share of any Sirius' blood, but we all know you and Sirius were brothers- and you should have seen Sirius and Harry together, James…They were so happy. Although it was sort of a depressing sight to see, despite their happiness. Because in a way, I think they were using each other as a substitute. Sirius tried to make Harry into you, and Harry tried to turn Sirius into you. Both were severely disappointed in the end. Don't get me wrong though, James, they got along great. They were happy. The loss of Sirius broke Harry's heart I think. But Sirius never gave Harry what he really wanted, what he still wants, a parent.

Harry wants you James. He wants you and Lily. He wants you, and your love, like he's wanted nothing else. I think it's because of the pair of you he's so adamant in fighting against Voldemort. Because of the loss of you he suffered at such a young age. Although, I think part of why he fights is that he has a deep down hope that defeating Voldemort will bring you back. And the fact that he might really be thinking that, and dreaming about it, kills me.

I've tried to protect him James. I've tried to protect him like you and Sirius would. And like Lily would. We all know what a mama bear Lily was, and the perfect proof of that was the night you died. Lily's protection has saved Harry's life more than once. Any mother would say that putting down their life for their child was worth it. But to me, Lily's sacrifice was incredibly so. Not just because she saved her child's life once, not just because by saving her child's life she helped save the world, but because she saved her child's life multiple times.

And, no matter what would have happened…no matter what 'what if' took place, I can't help but think you and Lily never would have been able to watch your son grow up. I can't help but think that for some reason, it was destined that you would not see your son become the great man he now is. Because of Lily's sacrifice, and yours- because don't worry James, I recognize your sacrifice too. It was a huge one as well. However, I know you don't care about the recognition for what you did. That's not why you did it. You did it to save their lives. And I can only imagine how much despair you must have felt to discover you only halfway succeeded.

The point is, James, that I don't think it matters how many 'what ifs' I can come up with. Because, while I've found a lot- I don't think that any of them would have really changed things much. I think no matter what, you and Lily would still have died. Peter would have still turned against us. Sirius would still be, as he'd always been, the innocent convict. I would still be the lonely werewolf. And, Harry, Harry would still be the Boy-Who-Lived, the hero to our world, and the defeater of Voldemort. He hasn't won yet, James, but we all know he will.

That's one instance where Fate hasn't screwed us over. Fate will win. Harry Potter will finally find happiness. Voldemort will be defeated. And maybe, all that we've all suffered through will finally be made worth it. Because maybe, _maybe_ Fate isn't changeable for a reason.

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_Please review...and then check out Harry's monologue..._


	2. Harry: The Sides of Fate

Still don't own it.

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I've found myself thinking about Fate a lot lately. Remus says I shouldn't spend so much time dwelling over the past, but I can't seem to help it. Sometimes, I wonder if the Fates are against me. They've taken everyone I love. You two, and Sirius. It's not fair that I never got to know you, my mum and dad. It's not fair that Sirius was kept from me for so long even though he was alive. It's not fair that we had so little time together before he was stolen from me too. 

I still have the Weasleys, all of them, especially Ginny and Ron. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have been like second parents to me, or third parents I suppose. Sirius was like a second father, in his own goofy irresponsible way. But, he tried- and he's the closest thing I've ever known to a father. I worry about the Weasleys, they're my family now- and Voldemort seems dead set on getting rid of all of my family, blood and surrogate.

I don't know what I'd do if they were taken from me too. I…I don't think I could survive. I can't imagine life without Ron, or Mr. Weasley, or Mrs. Weasley, or Ginny, Merlin, I can't imagine life without Ginny. Remus keeps teasing me, saying I've inherited your tastes, Dad. He says "the Potters sure do have a thing for redheads, huh?" He won't leave me alone about it, it's times like those that I wish Sirius was here. Sirius would get him to drop it, 'course then Sirius would tease me in his own way, but for some reason I've always been less sensitive to Sirius' teasing.

Sirius. I miss him. I miss you guys too, don't get me wrong. But, my memories of you are distant and faded. I miss you, but it's more of an instinctual longing. With Sirius, I knew him, spoke to him, laughed with him. My only memories of you are that fateful night, what I saw in the Mirror of Erised, and the night Voldemort came back; none of which are particularly positive memories.

Things were different with Sirius. I suppose that's why it hit me so hard when he died. _Died_. It still feels weird, wrong even, to use that word in relation to Sirius. He can't be dead. Not him too. Have I mentioned it's not fair?

Remus says that sadly, nothing in today's world is fair. I almost said that wasn't fair, but then I realized that would be an incredibly stupid thing to say. I just don't understand why bad things keep happening to me. I don't get what I did to deserve this. And it's not all because of that Halloween night, I mean- what spurred that night on? Why target _me_?

I mean, yes- I know all about the prophecy. And I know that it also applied to Neville Longbottom. But good ole Voldie chose me. Dumbledore says he thinks it has something to do with the fact that I'm a half-blood like him. Well, Dumbledore said. I suppose I forgot to mention he was gone- didn't I? Yet another person who I was close to who died. He…was like a parent as well in a way. Different than Sirius, different than the Weasleys. And, yes, he lied to me for a long time. But, that doesn't change that he was a great man. And, he saved my life, you know. And he gave me the knowledge I need to defeat Voldemort.

That's become my number one goal in life, the most important thing. Except for the Weasleys, Hermione, and Remus. I know that what's done is done, and that there's nothing I can do to bring you back. But I'm going to see to it that you all died for a reason. You died for me, you- Mum and Dad, Sirius, and Dumbledore. And now, I'm going to see that Voldemort dies because of you, all of you. And if I go down in the fight, it'll all be worth it as long as he falls down alongside me.

Don't get me wrong, I want to live. Despite everything, I want to live. But I also want to see Voldemort dead, really truly dead. And if the only way for that to happen is for me to die as well, then that's how it'll be. Because by Merlin, I will see the end of Voldemort. There's no doubt about it in my mind. I'm going to get him.

Hermione says I have a hero complex. I think Ginny said it first. She's still not happy with me, for breaking up with her. She'll understand one day, she has to. I love her, and this is the only way she'll be safe. All I can hope is that this will keep her alive, and that I can defeat Voldemort and attempt to win her back before she's moved on, or come to her senses in regards to being with me- either way.

They just don't understand, I have no choice. I never used to believe in destiny, or prophecies. Although, for that matter- I didn't believe in magic for the first portion of my life. But that's a whole other subject. Anyway, the point is- in this aspect I _have_ to do this. Although I'm not sure if it's more because I want to see Voldemort suffer, and I want to avenge all your deaths, or because of the stupid prophecy.

The prophecy. At first I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe I had a choice. I quickly realized that Voldemort made the choice for me ages ago. It's funny, how he really has created his own demise. Twice now, really. His actions led to his faux-death that Halloween sixteen years ago, and now they're all leading to the real death he will be experiencing any day now- if I can help it.

There's one Horcrux left. Then, then I go after Voldemort. And then, then he dies. And maybe after that I'll finally get to have a real life. Maybe after that I can live a relatively calm happy life (preferably with Ginny) without looking over my shoulder every two seconds as I hold a death grip on my wand. Maybe Fate will finally be on my side.

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It's funny how this was entirely written before Deathly Hallows, yet there's some stuff that comes up in the seventh book...but nothing groundbreaking or freaky...Anywho...

_Please Review...thank you!_


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